Yakima vs. Thule

Here's the deal, broseph: I'm considering the purchase of a lifestyle-enhancing roof rack and a sleek, locking, streamlined box that will protect my gear -- fly-fishing reels or creels or whatever, extra tubes, lube and headlamps for my bike and full cavity searches (spelunking, anyone?) -- when I cruise around with it on top of my Subaru, Xterra and/or Prius. And face it: It'll look wicked bitchen plastered with Dutch Bros stickers.

What? There are two popular brands? Shite, dude. Which kind do I buy?! Do I get a Yakima Roof Rack or a Thule?! Man, are decisions ever hard to make. My ... my brain hurts. Help!

The answer to this dilemma, of course, is that you are a tool (rhymes with "Thule") and quite possibly an entrenched, full-fledged Oregonian if you have these kinds of problems in your life.

But cognitive dissonance is in the mind of the beholder, and I'm nothing if not here to help. Because I know what a sad, terrible corner you could paint yourself into should you make the wrong decision.

Ready for a little Pinkwater succor, sucka? OK then.

1. Go to the roof rack store and yak with the sales person. (Yes, they actually have stores that cater to gearheads and all their roof-rack needs. If that ain't Xtreme, I don't know what is.)

2. Buy one, or go to wherever they sell the other brand and buy the other brand there. It doesn't matter.

3. Mount your new Thule or Yakima cargo box on your roof according to instructions.

4. Lock yourself in it, because that would be really Xtreme. Ask your friend to help you out. No, it's never Xtreme to require a friend's help under any circumstances, but dude, sometimes you just have to ask for help.

5. Finally, if you don't suffocate immediately, ask a friend or family member to drive you into a cold mountain lake. Remind them that it's the least they could do since this will be the last favor you'll ever ask of them.

Perhaps they could use your newly purchased cargo box as your coffin.

Admit it: That would be 101 percent punk rock, broseph.

(Photo from Yakima.com)

Giving kids dumb names

Let's build on the last post a little.

Go to any playground with your kids and you will hear dumb, pretentious name after dumber, more pretentious name being trotted out: "Soleil! Time to eat your rice cakes and drink your vitamin water!"

"China! Don't you dare take off your helmet!"

Yesterday at a museum I heard a guy call his kid "Reno." Honestly, what are these parents thinking? And why are so many such lemmings that they employ the same logic? I'm not talking semi-ridicule-worthy, like Jaden or Tanner. I just think of those as being left-coast names.

There are two modern methods for naming babies in Oregon:

1. Choose an awkward last name and insert it: Sellers, Rasmussen are two actual ones my kid's heard at school. So if you're thinking of a name for your baby, why not just grab a phone book and have at it.

I'm sure there are parents out there naming their kid Clooney or Pitt or Selleck in the false but cute hope that such a name will help them get over the hump of having two fools for parents. I've heard the name "Diesel" out there, too, which is extra-unfortunate because the lummox actor he is named after is a laughingstock. But if he's named after the totally rad, smelly fuel, then I am willing to eat crow. Kudos to you for having such a cool name, kid.

2. Unfold a map or open an atlas and jab your finger. Extra points (deducted) for geographical features. Native Americans were at least imaginative with Running Bear and what-not. Naming your kid Dallas or Sumpter isn't anything.

Wait. Yes it is. It is something to mock.

The latter is also how people here name their dogs, by the way. There seems to be a glaring lack of imagination when people name their pets (or kids), oh, say, "Hoodoo," a local ski facility (or "ski hill" in the lexicon) as well as at least one unfortunate dog.

Guess what? Naming your kid after a number is not hip. Didn't you see that episode of "Seinfeld"? All of your neighbors did, considering how much they STILL invoke the show, and it's been 10 years since its demise. But it's not "Seinfeld" they're laughing at -- it's you.

The funny thing about the ubiquitous name McKenzie is that it's both a river and a functional last name (e.g., Bob and Doug), so you're killing two birds with one stone. Inbred, retarded birds, perhaps, but still.

For all I know, this naming thing is a problem back east, too. I've heard there's been an explosion in strange, almost psychotic doggy love -- just like here -- but I'd wager that Oregon is on the leading edge of both these trends.

Baby names: Yet another reason smug Oregonians may want to rethink their pride just a little.