Are you a duck or a beaver?

Accredit this, y'all: Outside of water sports, Pinkwater is not into sports. But even he knows that in no other state in this great land are the mascots at the biggest schools as hillbilly shitkicker as Oregon's.

And because the unenlightened citizens of this state never leave, never venture out into the wider spaces and bigger cities, they continue to define themselves well into middle age and beyond as "Ducks" or "Beavers," much like a 20-something Dairy Queen employee and on-again, off-again community college matriculation expert defines himself by the Class of 2003 tassle hanging off the rear-view mirror of his slammed Datsun or what have you.

At least Florida has Hurricanes, Gators and Seminoles. Georgia has Bulldogs and Yellow Jackets, which provide nasty bites and stings, respectively.

A duck is something little kids do when something is thrown at them.

A beaver is another word for vagina and its environs.

Are you a duck or a beaver? I honestly couldn't give a shit, and could happily go the rest of my days without hearing some boastful provincial declaring his ardent love for his alma-doesn't-mater.

I know! How about you all eat a big one, and split the difference.