Hunting

"If you're into pickup trucks
grown men shootin' little ducks
You're probably into drinkin' beer,
collecting guns and killing deer"
-"Lucho Lucholo," by Minimum Wage

I was walking when I saw a deer cross my path this morning. I'm nobody's hippie, but it was a quiet moment. Tranquil even. The deer saw me and worriedly trotted toward a bus stop full of middle-school types.

This being Oregon, and my mind working the way it does, I wondered how many of the mini hillbillies wished they had their pa's Smith & Wesson 38-caliber Glock rifle -- der! That's right, I'm making fun of guns! -- as the confused deer wandered into their neighborhood.

I know the defense, the logic, the received wisdom of hunters. Somehow, in spite of these guys' love of bulk Costco shopping, they still fancy themselves frontier-living trappers --the scrappy forebears who paved the way for the westward hos.

But you don't NEED to do it for survival. They kinda did. And I don't buy the argument that it helps winnow down the deer population. The grills of long-haul trucks seem to be doing a fine job of that.

Above all, it doesn't really matter to me why you do it, whether for sport or food. It's that I can't imagine the mind that wants to kill something, whether for sport or food. And I'm not a vegetarian -- I just recognize and accept that there's a different system in place that works well enough if I don't think too much about it. I know, I know. I'm weak. Spare me the lecture, Mr. Nugent.

Enough about me. Most of the hunters I've talked to seem like they have a little too much testosterone coursing through their chubby limbs. And what's with the dumb stickers of deer with big racks (the bad kind, not the awesome booby kind) on your F350s?

Are you advertising your "sport" for your fellow Neanderthals, or is it like a faux-Native-American-appreciation-of-the-thing-which-you-consume posture? If the latter, then why don't you go ahead and paste on stickers of beef jerky and oil barrels too?

I'm sure many hunters' rationalize killing deer for the freezer full of venison they'll have. Yeah? Well, if venison is so effing good, why is there not a bunch of it on special in the deli section of Albertson's, Safeway or Ray's along with all the other meats?

Here's why not: Because venison is a gamy, gross meat that, upon consuming, lowers your IQ and makes your womenfolk hairy and mole-ridden (judging purely on looks).

(Decal from www.cafepress.com/noveltystuff)